Sirius' Suspicions and Stupidity
by Buzzing Spontaneity
Summary: Apparently Sirius isn't too smart. And doesn't know when to not annoy one Lily Evans. Warning, pure dialogue. One-shot. Rated T for language.


**A/N:** Hello :) Alright, this was an... interesting... attack of the plot bunnies. And one Kayla (loupylou .powell) sort of prodded me in the direction it ended up in. And then it ended up... like this. Which I like, and had a lot of fun writing. So please read and review :D

* * *

"...Jaaaamesie pooh..."

"Sirius. What. The. Fuck?"

"You _could_ ask me that. But I think my question is more important than you complaining about what you are being called, _isn't it Jamesie pooh_?"

"Sirius. Why are you holding up a neon pink thong threateningly?"

"_WHAT WAS MARY'S THONG DOING ON YOUR BED?_"

"...And you would know what her thong looks like _how_, exactly?"

"She's my girlfriend. Of course I know."

"...I now really wish I never asked."

"Maybe you _should_."

"..."

"Hey, you want a muffin?"

"Ooh, what types have you got Moony?"

"Well, when he offered them to me, he had triple chocolate or blueberry. This probably means now he only has blueberry."

"I _love_ blueberry muffins! Give it to me!"

"...Uh, Sirius?"

"Yemph Moomy?"

"Why are you waving around a neon pink thong?"

"Huh? Oh, yeah, _JAMES, ANSWER THE QUESTION_!"

"?"

"_WHAT WAS MARY'S THING DOING ON YOUR BED?_"

"I dunno. Ask Mary."

"...You fucked my girlfriend, didn't you?"

"Dude, I have Lils. Why would I fuck _Mary_?"

"Mary's hot."

"I _love_ how that's the best answer you can come up with."

"Shut up Remus."

"I gave you a muffin, remember?"

"Oh, yeah. Moony, would you please be so kind as to close your cakehole as Jamesie pooh and I sort out this irritating little dilemma?"

"..."

"Thank you Moony."

"Hey guys- uh, Sirius? Why do you have Mary's thong in your hand?"

"?"

"I'm her dorm mate and she's been showing it off for a while. She likes thongs and neon pink."

"...Dude, I was worried your girlfriend was gay then."

"Sirius, Lily is not gay."

"...I'm not so sure."

"..."

"OW! _OWOWOWOWOW_! James! _Control your woman_!"

"..."

"_FUCK_! I'm _sorry_!"

"...Thank you."

"_Anyway_, James, what was Mary's thong doing on your bed?"

"..."

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

"?"

"?"

"?"

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

"?"

"?"

"...Erm, Lils? Why are you laughing?"

"Go _Mary_!"

"?"

"?"

"James? Again, control your woman."

"..."

"_OW_!"

"I wouldn't continue saying that if you don't want that to happen again."

"...Sorry..."

"I bet you are."

"Anyway... Lily?"

"Yes Remus?"

"Why are you finding it so funny that Sirius found his girlfriend's thong on your boyfriend's bed?"

"Because, my friend, Mary is a _genius_."

"?"

"?"

"And pray tell, _why_ is that?"

"Padfoot, that's my girlfriend you're talking to. Don't sound so accusing."

"I will accuse her if I want to."

"..."

"_OW_! Fine, _no I won't_!"

"Better."

"Anyway, as I was saying, Mary is a genius."

"You have yet to tell us why."

"I'm getting there... Geez..."

"Well, get there _faster_!"

"..."

"_FUCKING HELL! OW!_ _James!_ She needs a fucking _leash_!"

"..."

"_I'msorryI'msorryyoudon'!_"

"Thank you."

"..."

"As I was _saying_, Mary is a genius because she said that she would need to distract you for today to do something _secret_ without you there, and this, to be quite frank, has worked _perfectly_."

"..."

"?"

"?"

"Merlin you guys are thick..."

"Hey! Remus, if you're not going to tell us what it was she is hiding in secret, then just tell me and not Sirius so I can laugh with you- OH!"

"And the penny drops."

"..."

"Lils, you spoke too soon."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"You know, he's a little slow on the uptake."

"..."

"Nearly there mate..."

"!"

"_Finally_."

"_That's where my cookies have been going_!"

"?"

"?"

"Um, Sirius."

"_What?_"

"No."

"?"

"Mary has not been stealing your cookies."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"!"

"He's got it!"

"My _underwear_!"

"?"

"Sirius."

"_WHAT?_"

"Why would Mary be stealing your _underwear_? I'm your best mate, and I wouldn't touch it with a bargepole."

"...Then how is it becoming clean?"

"Wait, _what?_ You think _I_ wash your clothes?"

"You don't?"

"..."

"Sirius, let's get this straight. Mary has not been stealing your cookies. Mary has not been stealing your underwear. James does not wash your underwear. What else could it possibly be that Mary needs a distraction for?"

"..."

"..."

"..."

"Merlin dude, _work it out already_!"

"..."

"Sirius?"

"?"

"Do you want a hint?"

"Lily, don't make it too obvious."

"I won't. Okay Sirius, here's your hint. It's your _birthday today_."

"Lily, that was too obvious."

"James, you overestimate the intelligence of your best friend."

"..."

"I told you so."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"I think you hit him one too many times, Lils."

"Shut up a second, I think he's almost there."

"..."

"..."

"...Or not."

"Shut up Remus."

"Sirius?"

"Mary? Explanation please?"

"Well, come with me."

* * *

"Close your eyes for a second. Now, do you want me to lead you?"

"Mary, I know the kitchens like the back of my hand, I think I'll be able to walk in the door upside down with my eyes behind my back, let alone forwards and with my eyes clo- _OW_."

"..."

"Lead me, please."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"Open your eyes."

"_HAPPY BIRTHDAY MR. BLACK!_"

"Waah?"

"Surprise!"

"_This_ is why you distracted me with the thong on James' bed!"

"...You didn't work out it was a birthday surprise?"

"..."

"..."

"_CAKE_!"

"Yes Sirius. Birthday normally means cake."

"?"

"Just enjoy it."

"I love you Mary!"

"I love you too Sirius, now eat the cake."


End file.
